So, can we skip the awkward part? Because that is why I tend to ghost my problems. The awkward part where you quietly think about how flakey I am for not writing for almost a year, and that you’ll never trust me again. Yes, that whole thing.
Or really, I’ll explain as quickly as possibly. I haven’t written… because I thought I killed you.
As I have mentioned in other updates, after SEVERAL visits with doctors, psychiatrists, and a sweet new councilor named Jack- we have discovered that I don’t have Avoidant Personality Disorder but rather a unique constellation of other forms of batshit including Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, Agoraphobia, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. According to Jack, the last two are why I hide in public places. And why I hate bridges.
(Technically, almost all of these are co-morbid with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Something I am still trying to decide if I need to come to terms with or not. I think I will have to face it sooner or later. But more on that later…)
But back to the point at hand, I thought I killed you.
In a mixed episode, of mania and anxiety, I started to destroy my writing. Especially the published writing. Crazy writers before me have done it with great dramatic flair. Ripped their manuscripts apart as they rended their hair, tossed their ink pots, defenestrated the typewriter with a bloodcurdling scream. SO, I PERMANENTLY DELETED THIS BLOG. And then immediately regretted it.
I tried to forget it. Writing, any writing, even just a blog, dissolving like that. Like those torn shakespearan manuscripts I imagined, their ink bleeding into the mud puddles of Elizabethean streets. Uhhgg, it was so depressing. So I PERMANENTLY DELETED it from my memory.
Until, I received a bill!
Apparently, I had not destroyed the blog, just the domain name. Ha! So instead of HollylovesJohn.com, it’s HollylovesJohn.blog. I can live with that.
It can live with that.
I’ll try to be more consistent this time around. Check in with you more than once a year. (Consistency is always the holy grail for someone with Bipolar. So it will be an epic battle, I promise. Consistent but Epic. Quite the combination.)
Until the next wild eruption of perfectly tepid consistency, I’ll leave you with this: