Too Sensitive

I don’t mean emotionally, or even sensory-wise… I am also very sensitive to medications.

Because of the additional stresses the past few weeks I had been adding a benzodiazepine to my daily meds. I mentioned it a few posts ago. But like an SSRI that I had been on before, the mood altering medication tipped just one bit too far, and triggered a Bipolar episode.

I’m dealing with it now. Weaning myself off the benzos, and will only use them in case of emergency panic attacks again (which to be fair, had been daily.)

I’m embarrassed to have this happen again. To look around at the unfinished projects, the literal hole in the ceiling and know that it wasn’t just ADHD, that I had another big episode, which I hadn’t had in months. That the skin crawling fear and irritability that had accompanied my productivity wasn’t just environmental.

That I had spent too much money again. Something that gives my husband so much stress. I managed to take back a lot of those items. And I can feel some semblance of order being restored to my mind as I become aware.

But it makes you raw, that awareness. Knowing that you lost control even for a little bit.

And as I said to my mother, no one was hurt. I didn’t lose my temper with my son or husband. I didn’t do anything truly reckless other than buy a pressure washer and rip all the siding off my porch. I didn’t knock down a wall, or drive my car into one.

But still, I feel foolish. There are things you can’t help when you are mentally ill. But then others can’t help but find you unreliable, nonetheless. It does damage to your credit. (Sometimes literally, especially with shopping.)

That’s why there is a stigma. Because no one wants to be seen as anything but in control.

So I don’t know if I am ruining my reputation by being honest, or breaking down the stigma…

I hope the latter.