Who Am I?

While being sick in my bed, I don’t have a lot to do but daydream. Sure, I’ve watched some movies (Oh Greta Gerwig, your Little Women makes my heart ache it’s so good.) I’ve listened to a lot of ASMR. Done some writing, of course.

But mostly I’ve slept and daydreamed.

And in all this dreaming I’ve begun to wonder, Who am I?

No, the coronavirus does not also include amnesia now in its list of symptoms. No, just now that I am post Autism diagnosis so late in my life and I am living without a mask for the first time in years…so I’m wondering who I am, for real.

Well, for that, I think I should start with what I was. I was definitely a performer. First in the theatre itself. I spent a lot of years in semi-lead roles and secondary parts. Nothing to sneeze at. Performing throughout high school and the years in college before I dropped out. Then after I dropped out, my mother’s school failed to pass a referendum. So they cut the middle school play due to financial reasons. This didn’t sit well with my mother, so she brought me in as a ringer to direct a show. When I say ringer here, I mean “for free.”

But that decision turned into a program between my mother and I that spanned almost two decades. I wrote and directed several shows, published one with an international publisher and continued to publish the rest on my own. I’ve created online courses on directing, costuming, and set design. My shows have been performed by schools all over the world, and I don’t mind saying, have made many, many children happy.

So, I’ve done things. I was successful despite my difficulties. But I was still not completely myself. Part of that was being queer, but by in large, it was because I knew I was different.

And because I was different, I was also just a little bit lying. That’s why the subtitle to my blog is “honestly.” Because even before my diagnosis, before I knew what I was, I knew that I was tired of hiding who I was. Tired of performing a reflection of what people thought I should be.

That kind of performance, that kind of masking, it tears you apart. You begin to fracture your personality for the consumption of others. Carve away at your soul, just to make sure that you are palatable to everyone. So no one sees the truth. So no one is angry with you, for being yourself. (It’s a lot like, a less evil version of horcruxes, only the person you are murdering is yourself. You do it to protect yourself, but in the end, it destroys you.)

But that kind of brings me to a different, more hopeful thought. Once you reach the realization that you have been masking for a very long time, or in my case, three decades, you start to grieve for the time that you lost. (It’s interesting that parents often grieve an Autism diagnosis, not knowing that without that diagnosis, their child could be grieving a misspent life. Maybe if they knew that it wouldn’t be so hard.) In grieving the lost time, you can go down a really dark hole. I was really starting down that hole when I came upon a post from Autistic Women and Non-Binary Network, it was a quote and a link to a blog from another adult autistic woman.

 “Despite my late discovery of being autistic, I am learning to flick on the switch of possibility and reinvention, instead of obsessing over lost time”

Possibility. It was so simple. Now that I was aware and open about who I was, everything seemed possible. I could be who I really wanted to be, an open, honest, person, who helped others by example.

It is literally all I have ever wanted. To help others. It is my calling. More than theatre, more than writing, I want to help. All the children, my students, that I failed to connect with on a deeper level because of my mask. I will devote my life to overcoming that regret.

I will still honor the person that I was, the innocuous nuggets of truth that managed to surface over the years. Like the fact that I am a huge Harry Potter nerd (see horcruxes above) or my love of science fiction and comic book movies. My years teaching in theatre. My love of writing and reading.

But I will also eat more pineapples. And wear more tights. I love tights. I might even perm my hair. Color my hair more! Pink! It’s gonna get wild folks. More than anything, I’m not going to live afraid.

Because this is a rebirth. This is who I am.

Float sinks for me

A different perspective for Inspirational Autism Stories ON “AUTISM AWARENESS WEEK”

Just like millions of other people, my family has the Disney+ streaming service. We use it multiple times a day. We find Nemo, we find Dory, we visit Mickey’s clubhouse an exhaustible amount, and don’t even get me started on the amount of times we are in Riley’s head. But there is one video that I really can’t get behind, no matter how much I want to…

It’s Float.

Float is a father, son story about a little boy who, for whatever reason can float. Not to give the story away, but basically it’s about the dad’s response to his son’s floating. And I’m gonna be harsh here, but he does a real shit job of it for the majority of the short film. He keeps his son locked inside at all times, when he does go outside he puts rocks in his bags to keep him down, and then, at the climax of the film, he screams at his son, “Why can’t you just be normal?!”

“Uh… What.. the… fuck?”

That’s a direct quote from me after watching this movie by the way. “What the fuck?”

Having heard about how inspirational this short film was, I clicked on it one night with my husband and son. And as soon as the credits rolled, I turned to my husband and we both just looked horrified. Not only did we never have any reactions to our son like that, there wasn’t a world where we would ever be tempted to treat him in such a way. This isn’t me being righteously indignant, it’s just the truth.

Now let me back up a bit, and tell you why a lot of people would find that particular film inspirational, and let me first start with this: The Dad in this little story was not a bad guy, not at all. In fact, he’s a real guy. The man who wrote and produced the short film, Bobby Rubio, was taking from his own experience to create what he hoped would be a film about acceptance. AND yes, I think ultimately on some level it is. But mostly I think this still falls into the limiting “awareness” category.

What’s the difference you might ask? “Autism Awareness” is often about alerting neurotypicals to the differences that autistic people experience. Sure, on the surface, that’s good. But it is also much more about pathology, mostly focused on a cure, or a “fix.” Or even worse than that, it’s meant to make you pity autistic people’s parents. Not autistic people, but the families that are “burdened” by autistic children. “Autism Awareness” is about tolerance. And to be tolerated, you must first be an object of irritation, anger, or worse, even hatred. How does that sound to you? Does that feel good? Do you want to be merely tolerated?

Acceptance is a very different thing. And to be fair to “Float,” in the end the father character is very accepting of his son’s ability. Playing happily with him in the park and not giving a single fuck about who gawks. That is acceptance. “Autism Acceptance” is giving autistic people the respect to know their own minds. Acceptance is allowing autistic people to change, despite the limitations that they may deal with in a society that is built around neurotypicals. Acceptance is about pride and celebration.

And perhaps it is because both my husband and I are neurodiverse that we never even thought to treat our son that way. We have never ever been normal. So the heartache we have in the little prince’s more autistic behavior, is only because he will have to live in a world that does not accept autism. We’ve never wanted him to be normal. We’ve only wanted things to be easier for him. (But who’s life is easy anyway, right?)

Sometimes I know that I really need to give neurotypical parents a break, and I honestly do strive to do so. I understand that parents go through a grieving process when they are told that their children are different. But still, no one has died. Only your perception and assumptions about your child have perished. I think all parents should have such a death. The sooner they stop assuming that their child is exactly like them, the better. They are their own people, different or not.

And again, “Float” definitely gets a lot of things right. Like the general disarray that the house is in? Oh man, is that true. The crayon marks on the ceiling? I think we have those and our kid is gravity bound. The way that people will respond to unexpected behavior in the park. Right on target. Fear, anger, and escape.

But that’s human nature isn’t it? Difference is often associated with danger. And until we stop that association we are always going to get those looks from “normal” families and strangers. Until we accept autistic people as another kind of person, and not a problem for parents, we are all going to sink.

Our family on a walk. No one stared by the way.
Even though I put them in matching outfits.

Sensory Meltdown


Hyperosmia, misophonia, and photophobia… No, photophobia is not being afraid of having your picture taken. That is technically Scopophobia, or the fear of being seen. Like most people that have had problems with their self image in the past, I can understand that one too. But that’s not what this is about.

Hyperosmia, misophonia, and photophobia.. (oh my!) …are respective sensitives to smell, noise, and light. Or in the world of some autistic people, just having a nose, ears, and eyes. These sensitivities can trigger stress, or be the result of stress, whatever makes it happen, it is something that we deal with every day.

So how do I do it? It requires tools, accommodations, and occasionally, trickery, but I do it everyday.

Here’s how…

So I wrote this piece a few weeks or so ago, at the beginning of quarantine. And while everything that I was going to tell you was true.. what I am about to tell you is also true… And it’s happening now…

Hyperosmia, misophonia, and photophobia, collectively, really just mean that you are very sensitive to the world around you. And at times of stress, it can also mean that your senses will turn on you.

What’s more stressful than a global pandemic where millions might die? Apparently, living with my sweet little family.

The little prince is home from his school. He doesn’t understand why his entire routine is just suddenly gone and he is acting up because of it. We’re also trying to potty train, something that is difficult with neurotypical children, let alone autistic children affected by large and unknowable current events.

Typically, I use the time he is at school to clean up, reset my house. Deal with all the mayhem that he inflicted the night before. Find where he hid the can opener this time, pick up all the shirts that he threw on the floor to steal the hangers from- put away all the silverware that he took from the LOCKED drawers around 3 am while we were sleeping.

This may sound like I am a neat freak. I’m really not. I’ve lived most of my life as a messy person. But as I’ve gotten older and my responsibilities have grown larger, my need to control my environment has multiplied exponentially.

So, as you can imagine, with quarantine, I haven’t been able to control my environment. The can opener is lost. All the shirts are either dirty or on the floor, hangers or not. And the silverware… my god, most of the silverware is with the dirty dishes. Reeking in the sink.

Then I also happen to be married to an autistic man, who has trouble with any kind of change to his routine, or his needs. He is not selfish. He just has trouble with this. Like millions of other people, let alone autistic people, he has trouble adjusting. So I can’t ask him to pick up the slack as I might be able to in a typical marriage.

And now…. Now I am sick with the virus. It’s not as deadly a case as it has been for others, but it is extremely painful at times, not to mention isolating.

So as you can imagine, my world and my mind are melting down.

What did I do to stop it?

Well, first I tried having a session with my online counselor that I see through betterhelp.com. I have received so much help from this online modality of therapy. This particular counselor has helped me a lot with the practical side of regulating my emotions. BUT when it comes to autistic traits, he just wasn’t helping. He kept harping on the fact that I needed to be more assertive with my husband. Anyone who is autistic will tell you that someone being more “assertive” with you is not going to be some kind of wake up call. It’s going to be a trigger for more stress. I tried to follow his advice, but it only resulted in more emotional turmoil, for both me and my family. (I want to say something more about therapy here, but that deserves a whole different post. So stay tuned for that.)

Anyway, that didn’t work. So I flipped out. Not at anyone per say, no, I just went to my computer- cried really hard- and then started writing. Stream of consciousness, painful, emotionally volatile stuff that I blamed on my counselor, my husband, my autism, EVERYTHING. I typed so hard that I damaged my keyboard. Then, when I was done, I erased it.

This is the literal definition of catharsis. I had to get those feelings out or I was going to lose it on someone I cared about, most likely my husband, if not myself. And you can lose it on yourself. You can do a lot of damage to yourself.

I watched some ASMR to cool down, my favorite GIBI Affirmation video. And then I got some sleep. This helped.

Then, as I said before, I started to get sick. While I am 99% positive this is COVID-19, my doctor asked me NOT to come in for a test because of the rationing of medical interventions and supplies. He told me it sounded like it was potentially corona and to call immediately if it got worse. This was not great when it comes to my need for rules and certainty, but my enormous want to be helpful i.e. not infect other people, satiated the not knowing. At least enough to follow my doctor’s orders. Orders are close enough to rules to shore up the uncertainty.

But being sick didn’t help my environmental concerns. The dishes and the garbage still smell, the can opener is still missing, and the ice maker is making a horrible, horrible sound.

So, seriously, what do I do now? My environment is only getting worse, so my sensory issues are only getting worse. What do I do?

Part of me had to shut down. The part that can’t handle sounds and smells, that had to shut down a bit. The way I see it, I’m practicing desensitization by letting things go. If it gets too bad, I do use some of my tools and tricks to get through it, like lighting candles or listening to ASMR. But it’s important to try and stretch your abilities from time to time (that’s a tip from Temple Grandin by the way.)

And my husband did have to step in, because when it really matters, he too can overcome his issues to help the ones he loves. It’s hard for him, and he has experienced some burnout from the near constant demands of his wife and our extra clingy kiddo.

But we’re making it through.

Honestly, as soon as I am better, I am going to do my best to reset this house, even under the restraints of quarantine. And I will use every trick at my disposal to get there, until then, I’m letting it go. And getting some rest.

That’s the most important thing I can tell you- just let go. Occasionally, the world is going to be too much and you won’t be able to control it. All you can control is how you respond to it. Use all your accommodations and tricks to mitigate it the best you can…

…then let go.

Top Five ASMRtists

Like all great top five lists this will be in descending order leading to my very favorite ASMRtist. At the time of making this list, I am still new to ASMR so it is subject to change, as some of these artists I have only started watching but find something special about them. As I’ve said before there are literally millions of ASMR videos out there, so there is someone for everyone. And some that will make you say- hard pass.


From what I’ve explored thus far, ASMR Bakery is about “No Talking” triggers. At first this was what I preferred, thinking that a person talking to the screen would be too much for me, too close for comfort. And while I do occasionally like “No talking” ASMR, I find that I get more euphoria and mediation from things like face attention and affirmations. Something closer to real life Reiki. But for pure ASMR tingle there is nothing like nails and brushes on a microphone windscreen (that foam sock on the end of a mic.)

#4 Marno ASMR

ASMR taste-wise, I actually am not sure that Marno ASMR should be on my list. Because he will sometimes alert my sensitivities. Like if he goes too fast, I will get a small anxiety response. There was a scissors one that was great for listening, but watching scissors fly at that speed scared the bejeezus out of me. But… BUT I have seen a lot of interviews with him, and watched a few of his ASMR videos and I can tell that he is A) hilarious and B) obviously good at what he does. Being funny, honestly, will cover a lot of sins for me, so I will keep watching him to see if he makes something that works for me.

OKay, hold the phone- I’ve found his best video yet. It’s a personal attention and positive affirmation from the perspective of a burglar to his wounded partner in crime. The only problem I see thus far is I am too busy laughing to focus on anything else…. I’m still laughing. Oh my god… “Like this bag? I ganked it off this hipster kid at a bike shop.” LOL! Now that’s what I call a role play. I am dying here. Best death ever. LOL! He just pulled out a switchblade! Ok, I am spoiling everything. Just watch it. (No joke, I just moved him up a slot to #4. I need to watch more for sure.)

#3 Goodnight Moon ASMR

Goodnight Moon ASMR is definitely high on my list. She’s quirky and funny and almost unbearably adorable. For those that like role playing ASMR she has a lot of fun little characters and bits, not to mention some amazing production value. She also has some rambling montage style videos that are pure art. From a purely technical aspect, I think her ASMR is not as perfect as my #1, but still very, very good. Honestly, one of the main reasons she is not higher on my list, is because she is just too beautiful. It’s actually distracting how cute and clever she is. And as I’ve said before, that’s not why I am here folks. If I wanted to fall in love every time I opened an ASMR video it wouldn’t really be using them to help me with my focus or meditation. (Also because I prefer face attention ASMR and as seen above she was an adorable hot mess at face attention. She’s more of role play ASMR queen. But if I do want to just fall in love for a while, she’s my girl.)

#2 Elo asmr

elo is not only a great ASMRtist, she is also an adult-diagnosed autistic. She gives a great ASMR autism talk that is very informative for neurotypical people if you want more information about ASD or what was formerly known as Asperger’s Syndrome. But it is also incredibly reassuring to autistics like me to hear such a similar story to my own. Granted, no two autism stories are exactly alike, just like no two autistic people are exactly alike. But we do share a lot of common traits. And to me, that’s one of the most important parts of ASMR- connection.

Special shoutout to Lovely ASMR S, aka 17 year old Keegan. He is another ASMRtist on the spectrum. He also has the same curly hair as my son, so I just find him adorable. My favorite is when I can see his old stuffed animals in the background or when he involves his mum and dad. Pulls on my heart! (He would be on my regular list if it weren’t for the ASMR eating. Ack! Although I do give him points for his fast food choices.)

#1 Gibi asmr

Gibi was one of my first ASMRtist to watch. And is, still, my all-time, absolute, #1, favorite. Her ASMR is so fantastic, from the more prop-heavy triggers to face attention affirmations, I like it all. I even like the role play. That is a big deal. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t like role play. I attribute this to her very warm and easy tone. You know, there’s a casting rule in theater that says, no matter what else, you have to like them right away… you like Gibi right away. This might be because of her big brown eyes, her easy manner, or the fact that she is an obvious nerd. (She does a lot of cosplay-style role play. Not my bag necessarily, but very endearing and fun.) It might also be because she was an ASMR consumer first. Whatever it is, she makes it look easy.

Interesting trivia: Gibi also has dermatographia. To me, this tells of her innate sensitivity. After all, when you’re allergic to touch, you have to be light with your fingers.

AMSRtists I want to try in the future:

I am also interested in finding more plus size female ASMRtists. Body size has absolutely nothing to do with your ability to do good ASMR and by no means is it a requirement but I do feel that plus size you tube stars have a harder time finding an audience. At least if we are going by views and subscribers. So if you know of an ASMRtist that I should check out, please let me know.

I weigh…

As you know, I’ve recently started exploring the wonderful world of Instagram. Yes, I’m in love. Not just with the platform, but with several new faces and hashtags that I am following. #effyourbeautystandards is both delicious and nutritious for my mental health. That’s where I found the downright glorious Tess Holiday. (It’s also where I have had to practice my “no flame wars” rule, because damn, people are mean.)

But it’s also where my love of one Jameela Jamil has been forever cemented in my heart.

I did not find Jameela on Instagram, though. No, I first really heard of her, Jameela Jamil, the person, not just a character on “The Good Place”, because people were being so damn shitty to her. Oh, and that hasn’t stopped by the way, just look at what her boyfriend James Blake had to say recently…

Good man, James. Good man.

No, the first time I heard her name it was because the LGBT+ community was outraged that she had been cast on the HBO ballroom show “Legendary.” For those not in the know, ballroom does not refer to the dancing you are picturing right now. This is not dancing with the stars. It’s referring to the ballroom culture started in the 1980’s (check out the documentary Paris is Burning, then you’ll know.) Now this is not my scene so I am not going to say that she was the right person for the job, that’s not what drew me into this particular media splash.

No I came in, when a lot of people basically decided to “cancel” her as a judge on this show because she is not LGBT+… BUT SHE IS… She’s queer. And after being forced to correct a lot of misplaced anger, she decided to come out as queer, even though she shouldn’t have had to do it at such a time. Did this appease the community? NO, they turned on her more. A large portion of them pointing to the fact that she was dating a man, again erasing bisexuals from the “authentically” LGBT+ community.

As a queer woman, madly in love with her cisgender husband, you can bet that this put Jameela on my radar. I decided then and there that I would go to war for this south asian queer goddess, any day. (That’s how you know I love something, my loyalty is unparalleled.)

So to find her I_weigh movement on Instagram, well, my pledge for war in her honor went from a skirmish to a full-body measure of devotion.

The I_weigh movement is about “body neutrality.” Trying to turn the focus from bodies and looks to interior beauty. I know, I know. She’s not the first to do this. But I think that she might be the first to have the tenacity, and the platform, to really take it somewhere.

She has a new podcast by the same name coming out on April 3rd and you better believe that I will be listening.

Just like Jameela, I had some health problems that made me gain A LOT of weight. (I also fell in love with a man who introduced me to the idea of takeout. So it wasn’t all side effects.) Then like most women I had a tough time with yo-yo dieting. I lost weight when I worked for Jenny Craig but then gained it back when I left to start writing full time. I lost weight when I started protein and LCHF diets, but then gained it back after emotional meltdowns dropped my manic ass right off the wagon. Around the same time I had a baby, and well, hormones + wrong medication + medical emergencies + carbs = big FAT mental breakdown. (You can read more about it in my post about my chronic illnesses.) I’m losing steadily again now that I have finally found the right medication, but it’s a journey for sure.

So in the spirit of I_weigh, I want to share some images of myself that I would normally not want the world to see. These particular images were taken when my body was at it’s most endomorphic, or you know… fat. (I’ve lost some weight but I’m actually not that far off from these pics, either. So these are not “before” pictures.) Like you will see on the I_weigh Instagram page, I’ve superimposed some of my more important attributes.

Well, I’ll let them speak for themselves.

Like I said, they speak for themselves.

ASMR and Autism

As some of you may know two very pivotal things happened in my life, I was diagnosed with autism at the age of thirty five AND (this one most of you won’t know) I also discovered ASMR. Don’t know what ASMR is? Oh man, you’re gonna love it. Or not. Me? It’s one of the best tools I have in my mental health toolkit.

Continue reading “ASMR and Autism”

speaking of zombies…

Just after writing my epic top ten list of zombie novels, Max Brooks, author of World War Z (#5), went on NPR to talk about how the panic surrounding COVID-19 could have been prevented. It’s very interesting, check it out!

all of this could have been prevented” Author Max Brooks on Covid-19

WOAH, woah, woah- in looking this article up I have discovered something that I should have already known. Max Brooks is THE Mel Brooks’ son. THE Mel Brooks. Woah. My mind is disproportionately blown considering the state of the world.

They did a fun little PSA on Twitter about COVID-19. Check it out…

Alright guys, you heard it from the guy that literally wrote the book about the end of the world. #DontBeASpreader

Agoraphobia, COVID-19, and the Zombie Apocalypse

Like you, I have been watching what is happening to the world from the view window that is my computer screen. And I will admit, it’s making me a bit extra. One facebook thread from a man in the Chicago area made me very worried for all those infected with the virus. (It reminded me a lot of my allergic reaction to macrobid antibiotics.) And an instagram post from a pregnant woman made me feel so compassionate for those experiencing huge life changing experiences at the same time as a global pandemic. And the rationing of medical treatment in Italy… well, let’s just say, that broke my heart.

Last year, when my former therapist was diagnosing me with a plethora of new disorders (I sometimes question these diagnoses because they all seem to be just indicators of my autism, but nonetheless) he also diagnosed me with agoraphobia. I think it was my panic attacks while driving on bridges that was the deciding factor for him. That and perhaps my anxiety in stores? Or taking busses? Or the post office? Oh wow, I just checked out a layman’s definition of agoraphobia- it says, “you fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line, or being in a crowd.” Well, then. My apologies to Jack. That’s right on target.

So, I have agoraphobia. Which means on any given day, the world outside of my house has always felt incredibly dangerous. Now that it potentially is dangerous, that agoraphobia has gone into overdrive just a bit.

So how do I deal with that?

Continue reading “Agoraphobia, COVID-19, and the Zombie Apocalypse”

Instagram Storied

Curating our lives for mass consumption

From that subtitle, you would think that I don’t like Instagram. Could not be further from the truth. I literally just started Insta and I am hooked. I have posted like 36 images and I still want to do more. I do have one problem though, other than a new digital time-sinkhole I have found myself in… Because of my OCD, I have to post in groups of three, or my profile becomes unsettling. That is my problem with Instagram, but looking at other people’s pages, I wonder if that is the problem for others?

I don’t think it is. In fact, I think I know the problem.

Social media is the neurotypical’s mask, isn’t it?

You might have heard about autistic masking from me or know it from your own experience, but it’s basically the act that autistic people have to put on to be like other neurotypicals. It’s an exhausting practice that often leads to burnout and serious mental health crises. For me, it’s what lead to a late diagnosis and years of mental and physical anguish.

So the question for me is– if an autistic mask leads to anguish for autistic people, does a digital mask hurt neurotypical people?

Continue reading “Instagram Storied”

Hannah explains autism

This is one of the best explanations of my personality I have ever seen. Again, if you are a neurolurker, especially a woman neurolurker, or if you want a primer for who I am- take Hannah Gadsby, add a dress and change the accent. She makes such a wonderful shortcut for people like us. The next time someone tries to ask me, “Who is Holly on the inside?” I am just gonna point to Hannah.

Watch this now…

No seriously, I can’t say this enough. Watch this now.

This TED talk from Hannah Gadsby last year would have transformed my life had I seen it sooner. If you are a woman, a neruolurker, or even a person who has experienced trauma- watch this. If you are a comic, a writer, or a person who has interest in either- watch this. If you are a human being- watch this.

Hannah Gadsby is a true lifesaver. She is a hero in every aspect of the word and I am so proud to be a fan of hers.

So without further ado… Hannah Gadsby.

Where were you during the plague years?

At home, where we are all supposed to be.

Even though my doctors long ago decided that I did “not have Avoidant Personality Disorder” I still keep up with my AVPD peeps, because our sensibilities and fears are so similar. There is a great group on Tumblr, there are support groups, and most importantly for me, there is the ever effervescent Jenny Lawson, Author of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened and Furiously Happy. She also wrote a fantastic adult coloring book called You Are Here: An owners manual for Dangerous Minds and, as always, her wonderful blog, The Bloggess.

With all the mandated social distancing going on with the, you know, coronavirus global pandemic, (you may have heard something about this) I thought I’d check on the people who were social distancing before it was cool, the AVPD. Specifically, my secret soul sister, Jenny Lawson.

Bad news: her sister is sick.

While my anxiety is not as high as it typically is, probably because social distancing is my natural state, I have been afraid of how this virus was going to touch me personally. And when I say that, I don’t mean if I’m going to get sick. Last time I checked, the estimate was that 40-70% of the population was going to catch this virus. That seems pretty likely on some level. I probably should be more worried for myself, I am somewhat immune compromised. I have some pulmonary damage from side effects to an antibiotic I took… There is also a pervading theory that people on the spectrum are more at risk for inflammation. Inflammation, by the way, is how a lot of people are dying of organ failure after becoming sick. (Don’t panic on my account or anything, that’s just a theory that I read. I am so far from a doctor that it’s not even funny. And my husband’s doctorate is in the law. So don’t update your will just yet.)

No, what I am more worried about is who am I going to lose?

Continue reading “Where were you during the plague years?”