Under Construction

Beautiful internet, I’m going to disappear for a bit… but in the interest of stability and reassurance I will explain.

Last week, some hidden water damage in my house… made me fall through my bedroom wall.

I am not kidding. I was inside my wall.

So, the chaos of the world has officially invaded my home. Not just a little bit. Not some snakebite vibe. Nope. The wall has been breached, literally.

And in true neurodiverse fashion, I’m no longer fretful. Because in a real emergency, we do what we must. Or at least, that’s my experience.

Anyway, it’s given me the push to knock down what’s in my way, metaphorically and literally, to finish all these projects and make safe the city.

Ahem, I mean my house. Make my house safe and comfortable.

It will be my oasis again. And once I’m done, I’ll be back.

With pictures.

The List goes on

Do you remember when you were a school child and the teacher would say, find a place to stop, then put your pencils down…

I really want to put my pencil down. I want to stop. But my most recent episode had me starting so many projects…. (My son also stole my pencil. Not my metaphorical pencil. The literal pencil I was just using to try and prioritize my projects with… yet… another list.)

And that visual clutter stress that I always have is just getting worse and worse because of the unfinished projects. And my son’s obsession with threaded metal textures aka screws and tools, well, it’s another added stress. (The pencil- it had metal attaching the eraser to the wood… You can bet the texture on that was lovely… I hope it was. I hope I find it again… It was a good pencil.)

He is a bit of a crow when it comes to collecting textures and shiny things. So, tools and screws, keep getting absconded with, sometimes in the middle of a project. Hence the rampant distractions. And my frustration.

Not at him. He got his crow’s attention for distraction from me. I’m really frustrated at the inability to move on from this episode…. Frustrated from this madness…

Historically, this will probably be a time of madness for a lot of people. I’m alive. My family is alive, so I am not claiming my madness over the grief of others. The financial burdens and pain that many others are just trying to survive at this time.

And there is good happening too… a painful, but necessary good. After all, the civil rights era was a time of madness, but without it… well, this isn’t the place to talk about that good though, in my To Do list, as a side note to my privileged life …

I want to stop and move on to other things.

But I can’t leave all these projects undone. It’s like my mind is still unraveling because I have not completed them. I cannot rest because I have not been able to create any kind of normal.

Because normal stopped months ago.

So I tried to tear abnormal apart and make something new, literally tore my house apart in places. But now, it’s hard to put it all back together again.

I’ve had a few injuries and illnesses as well, nothing too serious. Nothing like my unverified brush with the coronavirus. (Which has been cropping back up in the form of coughs and skin rashes for weeks now. Leaving me to wonder if this is something new or will I never really heal?)

My son also hit me in the head with his swing during the middle of a speech therapy tele-health session, while I was discussing programming his talker with his therapist- BAM right in the forehead. I’d like to think that it was an accident. But he gets very jealous of my attention. It wouldn’t be beyond him to literally kamikaze into the conversation.

This is the swing, you recall. Right in the forehead- BAM.

Despite this injury, I still managed to put up his new swing outside:

This one is a bit bigger for tandem swinging and lazy days.

I have hope. I have accomplished a lot, even with my little crow companion. I’ve struck many projects off this list. Some halfway, some almost done, very few complete.

Even with the chain of disaster to disaster, or just the feeling of uncontrollable chaos, I do think that we will come out of this ok. I hope that we will. I don’t want to tempt fate. So many people are so careless with their person, no mask, touching their faces, touching everything.

And I spend so much time in stores, waiting to pick up my son from his half day. No time for acting on my list, only waiting. Waiting with people who think this is over. Who think their opinion is more important than the lives of others. Who, so easily, easily go on about their lives.

And so, for me, the list goes on. As the abnormal becomes the new normal, and we all wait for “old normal” to return.

Either way, I still have a hole in my ceiling. But I’m working on it.

How Do You Talk to The Mob?

I’ve been watching Douglas, no not watching, studying Douglas by Hannah Gadsby.

If you’ve read this blog you know that I am a fan of the comedian Hannah Gadsby.

Fan is not even a really good word. She is totally my hero, and my face of representation in media. Seriously, add long hair, a bit more femininity, some pansexual man loving, and that is me. Autistic, writer, woman, advocate; lover of puns, meta jokes, and art history.

The one thing I don’t really have of Hannah’s is her courage.

She’s so damn brave.

Because she takes all of that Autistic writer, advocate, and lover of puns, meta jokes, and art history, and performs. Performs globally. And opens herself up to the mob. How does she do it? How does she talk so directly to the mob?

Not like “the Sopranos” mob, or mafia, but like, the literal, mob- in its most classic definition. The majority. Or you know… people…. Today they are most represented by the angry internet bees and trolls that release their rage through keyboard mania and vitriol, screaming into what they see as the void, but in actuality, is a lot of impressionable people. And I’m not just talking about the people that disagree with me. There are people that agree with me, with my exact opinions and politics, that I don’t like to listen to either, because they give me conflict anxiety with their passion fueled, tone deaf, tirades.

I don’t like conflict. I also don’t like letting people be wrong. I’ve talked about this before.

So, anyway, when I was on Youtube a while back, and I was watching an old Hannah Gadsby routine, and I commented, “She’s my hero.”

Cause you know it’s true. And in case she ever watches her old youtube videos, I wanted her to know. I want everyone who also sees her as a hero to know that I am with them. That they are not alone.

And then, like months later, some man was like, “You’re gonna have to get a new hero. She’s not funny.”

And I had a puffer fish moment. If you’ve seen Douglas or have any autistic or sensitive qualities you will understand that. It was impotent rage.

I wasted a full day trying to draft a response. Finally, I just went with the truth and said, “That’s a really weird comment. She’s my hero. Why do you have a say in my hero, stranger?”

And you wonder why I took a full day for that? Because I will bend over backwards trying to understand the perspective of the other person in a conflict. And I was trying to think of what she had done that I shouldn’t admire her for. And then I remembered. That is just some dude on the internet who is smarting from being the butt of a joke. Yeah, no one likes being the butt of a joke, and I can understand that. But Hannah never makes a joke without some truth in it. So, like she says, she’s punching up. Some people just won’t invest their hurt feeling into growth…

So they just point and yell, “Not funny!”

(Yes, that was a reference to John Mulaney, another funny fucker.)

But of course, bending over backwards to understand that man, pointing at Hannah Gadsby, and because of my comment, also pointing at me by association, and triggering my conflict anxiety— I tried to put myself in his shoes and see if there was any comedy or comedian that smarted my feelings but maybe had some truth in it?

The only one I could think of… might be Dave Chapelle? Because he has offended me before. I’ve frowned at a Netflix special and muttered, “I don’t like that.” But he has never stopped being both funny and smart as hell. I can grow from that. I can take myself less seriously.

Like his bit on the the “Alphabet People” which of course meant, LGBT. On the face of it, it was offensive to be called an alphabet person. But the bit was insightful and hilarious.

I’ve digressed a bit, but my original question is, how do you deal with the mob? So quick to “cancel,” to “puffer fish,” if you will. So full of impotent rage? How do you perform for that without having a nervous breakdown? Because I want to do something on youtube or maybe write another play… I want to do something important and thought provoking, but I don’t want to deal with… all… that…

Dave Chapelle technically did have a nervous breakdown. Do you remember that? At the height of his fame, he quit, went to Africa, and smoked a lot more weed. Pretty sure he is smoking weed in most of his specials lately. Which I think… is actually fucking brilliant. I used to use benzos for this purpose (klonopin or xanax)… But after this most recent bipolar episode, I might have to add something less mood altering. Amaretto sours? Maybe weed? Some gaba-inducing supplement? There is always a line at our local weed dispensary and lines/unknown protocol gives me anxiety. So I, ironically, have been too anxious to visit this location to get weed for my anxiety. I think that means that only one of those Dave Chapelle breakdown options will work for me. And what country of origin would I be able to disappear to… because Germany isn’t really known for its warmth?… Joke. I’m sure modern day Germany is absolutely warm and fuzzy, despite its Nazi past. America can’t judge anyone on its Nazi population anyway.

Hannah Gadsby says she inoculates herself by snacking on the hate. And while that is funny, I am not sure that will work for me. But then again… it might be another way that I am like my hero, Hannah. Because the first conflict about an issue that I am apprehensive about it always the worst, I have a meltdown and I deal. And then the next, is not so bad. So maybe that is just a bad vaccine reaction that I have to deal with.

I think, I just have to be brave.

But maybe I’ll brave the line at the dispensary first.

Too Sensitive

I don’t mean emotionally, or even sensory-wise… I am also very sensitive to medications.

Because of the additional stresses the past few weeks I had been adding a benzodiazepine to my daily meds. I mentioned it a few posts ago. But like an SSRI that I had been on before, the mood altering medication tipped just one bit too far, and triggered a Bipolar episode.

I’m dealing with it now. Weaning myself off the benzos, and will only use them in case of emergency panic attacks again (which to be fair, had been daily.)

I’m embarrassed to have this happen again. To look around at the unfinished projects, the literal hole in the ceiling and know that it wasn’t just ADHD, that I had another big episode, which I hadn’t had in months. That the skin crawling fear and irritability that had accompanied my productivity wasn’t just environmental.

That I had spent too much money again. Something that gives my husband so much stress. I managed to take back a lot of those items. And I can feel some semblance of order being restored to my mind as I become aware.

But it makes you raw, that awareness. Knowing that you lost control even for a little bit.

And as I said to my mother, no one was hurt. I didn’t lose my temper with my son or husband. I didn’t do anything truly reckless other than buy a pressure washer and rip all the siding off my porch. I didn’t knock down a wall, or drive my car into one.

But still, I feel foolish. There are things you can’t help when you are mentally ill. But then others can’t help but find you unreliable, nonetheless. It does damage to your credit. (Sometimes literally, especially with shopping.)

That’s why there is a stigma. Because no one wants to be seen as anything but in control.

So I don’t know if I am ruining my reputation by being honest, or breaking down the stigma…

I hope the latter.

The List

If you haven’t noticed from the tone of the last few posts the To Do List has gotten out of control. Which is ironic because I started all these DIY projects to regain some control in this out of control world. Mostly, I’ve just got sore bones and aching joints. (And some pretty good plumbing and electrical experience, on the positive side.)

So, as my witnesses, I am gonna post the rest of my To Do List, here, and now. Every step, well almost every step. Some things can be assumed. And with my ADHD in check, I’m gonna try and stick to this list. Just, this, list.

As always, no particular order, other than my wild, wild brain.

  • Organize books and art on living room/office book shelves.
  • Figure out lighting situation on bookshelves, either a task light that I mount on the wall and find a way to do something interesting with the cord, either fish it through the wall or artfully attach it to the shelving bracing… Or battery operated puck lights that I originally bought for this purpose but could also be useful for light-tweaking in photography? I have the materials for both, so it’s technically just a matter of playing with it and deciding which I like better, which is usually the case with lighting.
  • Hang hidden rod for light diffusing curtain, for filming my face. (I’m 35, but I think my health issues have prematurely aged me, just a bit, so I need soft lights.) The curtain itself is on separate rod that I will keep somewhere else, but the rod attached to the wall swings outward when I need it. Normally, it will be hidden in my regular living room curtains.
  • Mount LED flood lights for filming on wall above monitor. Same thing as above with the cords. I saw some cool things with cord wrapping once, maybe I’ll look that up again?
I know how to do this, but the time? So much time.
  • Hang bulletin board, and possibly, new letter board? I was romanced by a pretty green colored letter board at Target. I technically already have a little letter board. I shouldn’t have bought it. So, I will probably take it back… Maybe this should be return letter board. They’re a little passe’ now, anyway, right? Right.
Like this only sap green. The sentiment is also true. I have a smaller one that is black velvet that still says “Merry X-Mas” It’s ironic now, until November when it’s seasonal.
  • Look into how to properly press green screen and storage solutions, will probably store in the same place I store the diffuser curtain, which means I need to reorganize the front closet? Also, need to dig out the large plastic wrap for keeping it clean that I used in the move two years ago? Not sure… but you can see how one thing leads to another.
  • Finish organizing and securing tools and DIY materials. My son keeps stealing my nails and screws. Tools too. He permanently has taken over a pair of rusty channel lock pliers, rusty because he hid them in his paddling pool for days.

Time out. He is literally destroying a set of plastic drawers with painters tape over his mouth. Right now, as I type this. He put the painter’s tape there. Not me. He likes the feel of the adhesive pulling off his lips. Also, he wanted to make sure the drawers were the same size and shape and then dumped them separate from the frame. So, that’s something else I need to clean up. Child. Is. Killing me. But, oh, so, cute. It really protects him from my OCD wrath. That, and his interesting little mind that has the make sure the drawers are the same size. I love that about him. I don’t want to stifle it just so I have one less thing to do.

  • Organize cords for computer, lighting, and charging, batteries, Ipad, phone, and AAC device for my bubba.
  • Organize canvas and art supplies again, for filming and for protections from cutie pie. He’s been stealing my art markers, over, and over again.
  • Find new spot for NSA listening device, I mean, Alexa. Maybe up with task light on the book shelf, so I can cover all the cords together? Then cover the cord cover with the same wallpaper I have on the wall. That sounded like a tongue twister but I think that’s the answer. So, that means, remove cord cover from television where it is less needed- eventually I will replace that cord cover with screen track I am using on the porch, because it is relatively the same thing. Or use the screen track for the shelves instead? Remove a step? Or maybe do something cool and design like? Talk about time.
Something like this? But that’s in the “eventual” to-do list.
  • Remove empty shelf bracing system in the garage and office and move them to the laundry room to replace old falling apart shelving system. (Yes, I could buy a new shelving system, but that wouldn’t be very thoughtful to my husbands money anxiety. More work, less money. I might need to buy new shelves though?) Maybe this goes in the “eventual” to do list too. Oh, and replace it with pegboard.
  • Finish superficial renovation of the full bathroom, meaning put up ikea shelves and some other wood details. I was actually inspired by this brand of organic bath soaps, Raw Sugar. Nothing too fancy, another Target buy, it’s a little bougie actually, but I like the design.
  • Finish light in the kitchen, including cutting out drywall piece to fix old and new junction boxes, paint 2’x2′ piece of plywood that I’m using as a base to new light fixture, cut moulding to go around ply, which is actually harder than it looks if you are used to cutting frames for art and theatre projects. Cut out hole in plywood for electrical. Fix plywood to the ceiling, and then finally mount light fixture. Oh and yeah, fix drywall. That could have been its own list.
  • Re-organize kitchen for kid-proofing and more efficiency.
  • Put away wedding china that I found in garage. As well as vases and other breakables.
  • Put broken Christmas tree that was technically a hand me down but sentimental and so I don’t want to get rid of it, into attic. This may require hoisting and grunting of some kind.
  • Replace internal workings in half bath toilet. It’s not flushing with any kind of certitude at the moment.
  • Finish electrical.
  • Finish chandelier planter project.
  • Finish insulated garden hose mount.
  • Find, aluminum cutters to finish kitchen lighting project. Suspect the boy.
  • Finish the screens.
  • Finish canvas curtains for porch.
  • Finish corrugated metal and plastic wall on porch.
  • Finish bedroom light project with diffuser fabric and wood trim.
  • Find a way to temporarily mount table top easel on desk that can come off easily. I might just make a mini sandbag like I would use in the theatre?
  • Redesign Bubba’s bedroom to make it more swing and sensory friendly. More rugs on walls for texture and protection.
He loves his swing. The swing is not such a big fan of the walls. Or his curtains.
  • On my eventual list, is replacing the kitchen floor, finishing the screen painting projects, and re-doing my own bedroom to fit a king size bed to deal with our growing boy and his love of sleeping horizontally in his parents bed. Oh, and this cool trick I saw for tufting with washers and screws, that my kid will LOVE. Sensory dream.

You may have noticed that a lot of these start with the word “finish.” That’s the problem with ADHD and bipolar. There is a lot of starting, and then jumping to the next thing before the last one is over. BUT I have still accomplished a lot. In trying to remain positive, here is the list of the things I have FINISHED:

  • Assembled boom arms on my desk for filming VLOG, including shock mount and camera stand modification.
  • replaced pipes and drain on bathroom sink
  • replaced and modified cool new handles on cabinets under sink.
  • spray painted frame on old mirror.
  • As you know from the last post, I finished switching over the dining room light.
  • Put away clean laundry. There was a lot of it.
  • Cleaned some more laundry, there is still a lot of it.
  • Fixed kitchen plumbing, garbage disposal, and internal frost proof garden silcock. (That sounds dirty.)

And then of course, the one thing that never ends. Basic clean up.

So, uh, now that I’ve rest my weary bones to write this. I got to get to work. Wish me luck.

Attic Ladders, Distraction, and Obsession

Today has been a trying day. I had some kind of health episode in Target this morning. I think it might have been low blood sugar or dehydration. I got a bottle of water, some popcorn chips and then acted like the choosiest person in the patio department ever. Earnestly, it made me want to get this awesome chair for my porch. But I think it might make John lose his mind if I brought home a piece of furniture.

(My son is back at school, in this strange new isolation-half-day coronavirus-protocol way. It involves his teachers in full PPE and avoiding all his classmates. The point is I spend a lot of time in Target and other stores while waiting for his half day to be done because I don’t have enough time to go home. We live about three towns away from his school.)

And then when we got home. I decided that I was going to go up into the attic to fix the electrical work. Only… I’ve never been up in our attic. It scares the bejeebus out of me. It didn’t help that when I peaked in, there was enough rat poison to take out the entire cast of Ratatouille.

It was also about six thousand degrees.

And then there was blown insulation everywhere so I couldn’t even figure out where to step if I wanted to…

So I went back down the original 1960’s ladder, when a size 10 was like a modern day size 4, which creaked very rudely. Like an accusation of some kind. Like it knows about the M&M’s I’ve been getting at Target. Whatever ladder. Stop judging me.

And now, I am thinking I am gonna have to enlarge the escape hatch in my kitchen to fix the electric from underneath so that I don’t kill myself falling through the ceiling. Which means an even larger project.

UHHHHgggggg…..

These projects with all their experience and obstacles, can be a form of madness from time to time. And it really points out the difference, at least for me, in ADHD distraction vs. Autism obsession.

Autism obsession is more about passion, and engrossing yourself.

Distraction is a heightened kind madness that causes you to jump from project to project.

Both can be really wonderful and exhausting at the same time. Both can cause you problems as well as accomplishments.

Today, after weeks of heightened distraction due to stress, I feel like that creaky attic ladder…

barely hanging on.

One down, 93 to go

Ok, I don’t know if it’s actually 93 projects left to go, but that’s what it feels like in my ADHD brain. Granted, it always feels like I have that many ideas or plans at the same time. It’s more or less, give or take… I don’t know, it’s a lot.

BUT one project is done.

I replaced my dining room light fixture and even though the replacement looks maybe too simple, it’s actually perfect. It’s energy efficient, with daylight tone, and cost effective. I’m pretty thrilled. I’ve always wanted to have solar tube lighting, which is basically a porthole from your roof. This is the closest I can get.

Here’s a Before and After- Cool and geometric but too dim to bright and simple. I think it makes for sense for a dining room that is also an art studio and a toy room.

Now like I said there are about 93 to go. I’m setting up my living room/office for my studio, mounting new lighting, organizing toys and clean laundry. I’ve done little bits of every project, including some outside projects because my buddy wanted to go outside… despite the heat and pollen.

How badass are those adorable hot pink shoes?

I’m working on my kitchen light as well. Which after I managed to wrestle first the ugliest fluorescent light, then the most enormous 1970’s recessed light box, I now have an escape hatch into my attic from my kitchen.

Yep, that’s the attic.

Why didn’t I finish the light project right away, you ask? Because our AC broke! So that derailed THAT project. But tomorrow, I will be going up into the attic to replace the junction box and repair the ceiling, then I will be FINALLY replacing the light.

Until then, the escape hatch is pretty cool, right?

List of Projects

Last post I told you that I had too many projects that it was making my head buzz…

But today, it’s giving me more joy than pain. Which is good! But it’s STILL a ton of projects!

Here’s what I got going on this weekend:

-Organizing office and studio equipment

BEFORE- Living Room/ My “office”

-Mount bookcase lighting

-Set up for screen painting project. This is an exciting porch project that I decided to do inspired by the Baltimore window screens. This great folk art tradition in Maryland. But I think I will actually paint something a little more Georgia O’Keefe and a little less Bob Ross. (No matter how much I love him. I love her too.)

Baltimore Window screens

-put away the clean laundry that has been piling up

-organize electronics and DVD’s so that they are out of my bubba’s reach- he has destroyed so, so many blue rays

-organize toys again, still working on the right system where he can find what he wants independently but also can communicate his needs with us at the same time. It’s a trial and error kind of thing.

-set up at-home therapy/school cabinet. My buddy will be going back to school more regularly soon. But, if anything, this pandemic has taught me that I can’t rely on school alone for my son’s education.

-Change lighting fixtures in both dining room and kitchen, including finding a replacement for kitchen light for under ten dollars. My husband’s challenge.

BEFORE Dining Room Light

The Dining Room light flickers in a way that makes me nervous given our recent wiring mishaps on the porch. Also I want a something with daylight equivalent for night painting. There is no before picture of the kitchen light because it was an ugly industrial fluorescent light that I have hated for years. Not picture worthy.

-Finish the porch project- but uhg! It’s so hot and itchy!

Then, really, just basic clean up. There are crumbs everywhere. And Amazon boxes. Not as many boxes as there are crumbs. But that’s still a lot of boxes.

Most of these projects are just me trying to regain some control in an out of control world. But either way. I’m feeling good about it.

Too Many Bees

I have too many thoughts/projects going on at the moment. It’s making my mind feel like an angry bee hive. Or a bee hive under attack by murder hornets. The murder hornets being the very real danger/evil prevalent in this metaphor.

I’m also having a lot of trauma responses to the images that I have been seeing. I am deeply effected by images, I always have been. It’s probably what so often draws me to art and film.

I also have big triggers when it comes to fairness, or more importantly, injustice. I have no delusions that the world was ever fair, but those that benefit from its uneven playing field and call it a square deal. That makes me insane.

Then, to top it off, a far relation, just posted an image of the youngest man to be electrocuted by the state.

It was a 14 year old black boy by the name of George Stinney Jr. I don’t mean that pejoratively. He was a little boy. I’ve since learned he is the subject of a film called “83 days” That’s how long from his arrest, where they permanently separated him from him family, tried him, and then executed him. He was innocent.

This was the sting that did me in for the day. I’m going to try to accomplish some minor things this evening. Laundry maybe. Some dishes. But I feel so minuscule compared to such evil.

No matter what projects I do to my home… no matter what I paint… that evil is out there.


I wanted to post the image that I saw… but I couldn’t do it. If you are curious I am sure George Stinney Jr. execution will get you to images of that murder. I just can’t be apart of it.

Autism and Affection

There is a social media post going around, that I technically don’t want to share because, hopefully, it was written in a bad place. Something a caregiver would like to forget that they had said and done on a very public forum.

Essentially, he or she was musing on the lack of connection and “innate self centered-ness” of autistic people, and that their child would never love them and it was all about “yellow lights, fairy princesses, silly repetitive cartoons, and chewelry.”

Now I understand being tired, but yellow lights, fairy princesses, and silly repetitive cartoons still sounds pretty damn great.

And my beautiful boy is the most affectionate little guy I’ve ever known autistic or not. He finds all the non-verbal ways to show affection and love. He kisses my cheek about fifty times a day. Pets my arm or holds my face to show he misses me or loves me.

I wish I could hear his voice. I wish it everyday. But connection and affection is more than just language. Listen harder, my friend.

I can’t… But I will

I’m having an “I can’t” mental health day which is inconvenient because I have a lot to do. Is it strange to be embarrassed by how much bad luck we’ve been experiencing personally, when there is so much worse going on globally?

Like every tele-therapy session I have for my son, when they ask how things have been going I have to explain-

“I had an allergic reaction that made my hands virtually melt.” Or “There was a small fire in my DIY renovation.” Or “A pipe burst when I was trying to change the garden tap.”

Little did I know when I took this before picture that this tap would blow up my life. And would lead to several other issues.

Or “two of the four appliances in my kitchen are broken and I have to fix them with grit and youtube alone.”


“I’ve been electrocuted twice despite turning off the appropriate breakers. Can’t find my voltage detector, obvs”

That looks safe, right?
I didn’t think so either. Fire in 3…2…1

“Carpenter bees keep attacking my porch, despite the fact that I bought them their own little bee home. I punted one out of the air with my boot and I swear I heard it curse at me in bee language.”

“I keep telling my son that he has to have shoes on in the construction zone, but he keeps ‘losing’ them. Which means he hides them. But I am legit scared that he could get blood poisoning from the dirty sharp nails and jagged discarded siding.”

“I just confiscated a bunch of magnets he was trying to eat. Bubba is inconsolable.”

This was taken before the magnet-gate but I’m pretty sure he was annoyed at me for something else.

“My husband has pronounced a fatwa on the renovation, and has forbidden me from talking about it to protect his own sanity. Understandable, it really is. But also embarrassing. It makes me feel like our This Old House issues are somehow my issues because I want to fix them, not ignore them.”

“I can’t feel my feet. And my joints are so angry at me. And my allergies keep making my lips swell up and sting.”

It’s embarrassing. And embarrassing means something else entirely for me. It means, I get overwhelmed and raw and vulnerable, when all I want to do is a have a safe place for my son to play on our screened in porch- because we don’t have a fence, and he’s been starting to elope into busy streets on our walks. So suddenly, a safe entertaining play area becomes a matter of life and death because I can’t sprint as fast as my four year old.

Serious moment. This could have been the last picture of my son and I. I took it by accident when he was ripping his hand out of mine to run into the street.

I know that it’s gonna be ok. I can already feel my meds kicking in, and taking the edge off that vulnerability. And my small porch fire that I was able to stamp out with my gloves is nothing compared to the fact that Minneapolis is blazing.

It’s gonna be ok. Just for right now… I can’t.

But I will.

This Old House is Killing ME

So, during one of my son’s telehealth speech therapy sessions, we found that he was a lot happier outside in our screened in porch. Of course, I decided to turn it into an outdoor classroom IMMEDIATELY. Because my biggest special interest is my son, like you might imagine.

But our sweet little screened in porch was being held together by vines, hole ridden netting, and rust. So honestly, I’ve been working non-stop for the last four days, and the following things have happened.

In no particular order, because my brain won’t function in any particular order.

-I bought a bee house to pull the carpenter bees away from my porch

-The carpenter bees decided that my paltry little house was insufficient and continued to eat my big one.

-I punted one bee coming at me with my boot. It felt like an angry little shuttlecock.

-While changing the old exposed outlet covers to proper outdoor outlets covers, discovered a wiring problem that resulted in a small fire. Immediately shut off the power.

-No, first screamed obscenities while stamping out said fire with my glove. Then shut off the power. First, then.

-Murdered a garden hose trying to remove it from my old tap.

-Murdered a second garden hose when I neglected to clean off the sediment from the old tap.

-Cleaned off the sediment, and attached my favorite, most fancy hose yet. Turned on the tap to have water gush out of the aluminum siding in several places.

-Removed aluminum siding to fix trillion year old tap and discovered that my house used to be pink (YAY!)

-Decided to remove all the siding in just the screened in porch. Found what was holding it together was spiders, mold, and a wretched smell.

-Cut my hand on a sharp aluminum edge. Used my son’s mickey bandaids, which has caused him to try and steal them from my hand every time he sees my wound.

-Made watercolor style drop cloth curtains to save some money and return some of the lattice I planned to use for privacy. (The new tap and tools for dealing with the siding were busting my budget. It’s apparently a very fancy tap. Also, I’ve bought like three cans of liquid wrench to deal with all the rusted bolts and screws.)

-Fixed storm door that kept crashing open at the slightest breeze and causing my sensory issues to flare.

-Re-listened to the Raven Boys series read by Will Patton. His voice is delicious.

-Digged a drainage ditch in the hardest clay I’ve seen since I lived in Georgia, all to stop wood rot. So not even pretty.

-Hauled rocks from the garage to the porch, for said drainage ditch, thinking of greek mythology characters.

-Bent my machete on a bunch of vines, but felt like a total badass for like two seconds. Used my much less badass pruning knife to take out the rest.

-Dug up old rocks and bricks in my backyard to use in the drainage ditch, hoping I wouldn’t unearth a dead pet or anything. There were some really pretty rocks, I would have considered them tombstone worthy. There was no pet cemetery though.

-Spray painted an old chandelier for a planter.

-Had a waterballoon fight with my son to make him happy.

And now I am currently waiting for the liquid wrench to dissolve the corrosion around a pipe that is stuck, with my water off, trying not to loose my mind.